Lost and found

I can't imagine how she felt
To give you away.
Relief?
Grief?

I can't imagine how you feel
When you found her name!
Connected?
Rejected?

I can't imagine the anticipation
Waiting for the test.
Scared?
Prepared...

You discovered the connection
Written in As, Ts, Gs, and Cs.
Biology...
Genealogy...

Then traveled great distances
To meet us.
Geographical...
Chronological...

We welcome a relative,

Yet a complete stranger.

Paradox?

Unorthodox?

Yet here we are!

Our children play like best friends...

Finally...

Family!

Defeated

I hate piano.
I hate school.
I hate recess.
I hate home.
I don't want to play.
Why don't my friends want to play?
I won't eat that.
I changed my mind.
I do it!
I can't do it!
I don't want to listen!
I don't want to talk!
I don't want to do anything!

Me neither guys...
Kids 0: Mom -3

2018.09.24 Day #15 The Boys

Last weekend Brett and Calvin went on a Father Son's Campout. Brett told me that Calvin would pick up sticks and whack pretend adversaries. The missionaries there told him that picking up sticks and whacking adversaries is a pretty common activity for all the little boys they see.

2018.09.20 Day #14 Driving Face

Yesterday, I was driving out of my mom's neighborhood to take Calvin on a mommy/son date. While I was heading out I noticed someone driving in the opposite direction into the neighborhood. I could tell the person inside was a girl and she had the biggest smile on her face! I thought... Wow! She is just doing her driving and has the best attitude about it! For the next couple of minutes I thought, you know who that reminds me of... Mikayla. My oldest niece has a seriously infectious smile and zest for living life in a happy way. I rarely see her "down"...

Anywho this person driving with a big smile on her face made me think of Mikayla and her optimistic attitude and made me wonder what my face looks like when I'm driving. Do I have a giant grin? Am I telling the kids to knock it off? Am I air drumming like my Dad? Do I just look bored?

What's my driving face going to be like today?

***Turns out the girl driving was Mikayla, but I honestly didn't know it at the time!

2018.09.19 Day#13 - Insomnia, Insomnia

Title: 4:28 AM

Insomnia, insomnia my dear old friend.
Here we are together.
To be frank I'd rather we parted ways.
But I think our bond is forever.

Insomnia, insomnia we meet again.
During those hours where all is dark.
I wish I could say it was good to see you.
But I'm so tired I can't think of anything that rhymes with dark...

2018.09.12 Day #12 Hair Dos and Hair Don'ts

So I've never had any large attachment to my hair, which means that I have no idea what hairstyle(s) look good on me. I've had a lot of different styles, and today on a whim I decided to do an impulse-perm... kind of like impulse shopping at the store. One was available for free, so I did it.

Here are some photos of the hair evolution through the decades... any thoughts on what looks best are welcomed!

High school - long hair - perm

Senior Pic - Pretty sure this was my first of many big hair chop-off.s 

I kind of bounce between long and this A-line bob a lot...

Of course, the one I cannot find is one that I'd be tempted to try again... I apparently lost all picture proof of it... The inspiration was Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail... Something like, but not quite as cute as this:

I suddenly turned into Meg Ryan! Yes!!!

First short haired perm - I loved it!

2008 - Somewhere in the middle of being engaged for a looooong time.

2011 First significantly short haircut with baby Lindy

2015 Most Recent big chop-off... Before...

After

Same as previous but more "funky"

2016 Most "Boyish" haircut just before Jane

2018 Just now!

2018.09.11 Day #11 - September 11th

I know there are more eloquent people than myself who have written about their memories of 9/11, but it occurred to me that I may not have written much about what I remember and what I experienced for my posterity to read. In efforts to "never forget" and to "bring to remembrance" this tragedy for my kids and grandkids someday, I'll make my short record.

I remember coming in from marching band at Lone Peak High School (we practiced early in the morning). I was putting my mellophone away and getting ready for whatever first period was... more band I think), and someone told me something about airplanes crashing. I remember at the time thinking, "Oh, that's sad..." But I didn't understand at all what was going on. Unfortunately, our band director didn't understand either and had us continue rehearsing while the rest of the school was watching the news.

I don't remember what we did in most of the other classes, but I do remember going to Latin which was only offered at American Fork High School down the street and Ms. Shelley had us watching the news the entire period. I remember that she was frantic because she had friends or family in Washington D.C. and she was trying to contact them, but couldn't get through. I remember all of us having unbelieving faces and just shock. I don't remember anyone crying, but I honestly think we didn't really internalize it yet.

This is what our TV screens looked like at school all day.

I get confused about the timeline of what I witnessed on live television versus what I saw later as rebroadcasts, but I think we may have seen the towers tumble down during that Latin class. And still, it didn't really sink in for me that so many people had just died.

I remember we were hiking Timpanogos Cave for our Young Women's activity that afternoon. I remember my parents were gone for some reason, so I didn't really have adults to talk to until after the activity. I remember thinking it seemed so odd to not see or hear anything in the air. When my parents got home I remember being in our bathroom just sitting looking in the 3-way mirror they have (I don't know why I was doing that... just taking "reflection" a little too literally, I guess). And when they came home, that's when I burst into tears. I was certain that World War III was going to begin. I didn't have any family members in the military, but I still had an irrational thought that my family would be directly affected by this terrorist attack. It worked... I was afraid.

While watching the aftermath though, I remember being so proud of those who helped, those who sacrificed, and those who would go on to serve their country. I remember feeling like this horrible event, really did draw our nation together. I don't feel like that unity has lasted as long as I thought it would. We seem more divided now than we were before 9/11.

And that is why I think it's important to remember and to never forget. Terror drives us apart. Peace, tolerance, service to others, and empathy... that will bring us together - "One nation, under God."

2018.09.10 Day #10 - I can't remember...

I had a thing I was going to write about today...

I thought to myself...

"You should write that down.

That's a good one!"

But I didn't...

So...

...

2018.09.09 Day #9 - Smells

I've been doing some canning projects, which if you follow this rambling bramble of words you may know. And as always, I'm reminded of some of my favorite, and not so favorite smells...

Cooked peaches - that's a good one! I'm reminded of all the times I helped my mom peel peaches. She would man the stove and I would pull up the sink of cold water.

Cooking tomatoes - used to hate it! Now it's not so bad... I don't know why this one is so much different from peaches. Same memories of cooking and peeling, but boy oh boy, I hated the smell of tomato sauce on the stove for hours. So gross! As I've made some this year though, I've gotten more and more used to it, and it doesn't even disgust me anymore... weird.

Grass, gasoline, and sweat - My favorite, though I'm sure the ratio of the 3 ingredients is important. My dad's a little perfectionistic about his lawn mowing and he does it frequently! Again, it's one of my favorite memories growing up - Dad coming in smelling like grass, gas, and sweat. I used to mow with him at both of my grandma's houses growing up, and now that smell reminds me of them as well. I still love that smell - Brett should bottle it...

What will my kid's favorite smells be? I'm not sure... I actually have a worry that ours will be that neighbor's house that smells funky most of the time. I kind of have a phobia about that.

2018.09.08 Day #8 - The Year of Hikes!

I made a goal that I would hike to the top of Timpanogos this year. In an effort to get prepped a bit, to spend time with my awesome family, and to see some new things in the great outdoors, I set up some other hikes for over the year. Here's the lineup!

#1. Moonshine Arch - Near Vernal

#2 Timpanogos Cave - Always a fun favorite!

#3 Battle Creek Falls

#4 The Neighborhood Exercise Path... Yeah... wasn't really a hike, but you know...

#5 Stewart Falls

#6 Horsetail Falls

#7 Backpacking to Island Lake for our 10th Anniversary

#8 Bald Mountain

#9 Silver Lake

#10 Timpanogos Peak! Completed TODAY!!!

I don't know if I'm done for the year (probably not since we just bought another backpacking backpack)... but I made it to my goal! And I frankly didn't realize how many hikes we did until I started listing them like this!

I'm grateful to my family for making it more fun and possible! Couldn't have done it without you!

2019.09.07 Day #7 - Peter, the Lost Boy

We set up a little babysitting co-op a couple of years ago with another couple. Later we added another couple and we swap different weeks either making dinner for kids and entertaining them or being the couple who gets to go out on a date.

While watching 3 extra little boys tonight, suddenly there were only 2 extra little boys. They were all playing outside... I was making cookies... Brett was out there weeding and checking on kids intermittently, and boom... Peter was gone!

We searched our street. We looked in backyards. We talked to neighbor kids who were outside, and though they were willing, they weren't much help. I drove around to neighboring streets... could not see him! Keep in mind this kid just turned 3 is very, very quiet, and doesn't know us super well. He could have been standing behind a bush with me calling for him and I'd never know!!!

I called his mom - I told her what happened - date night ruined! And they hadn't had one in a long time to top it off! They were on their way home, as I searched the streets again. I went past his house again, and this time I saw his awesome neighbor outside, and I just knew she had found him! He had walked home! A 3-year-old! From an unfamiliar house to his own street, crossing at least one, possibly 2 roads.

I felt the gauntlet of emotions, let me tell you! Anxiety, fear, frustration at my own stupidity, anxiety again, and again... then joy when I saw that he was found!

Heavenly Father must feel even more joy when he sees a neighbor finding one of his lost children! And then tries to tell us to stay close to him from then on!

We feel so so sorry! I certainly hope that if we are trusted again, that they know we have learned our lesson! We will keep an eagle's eye on that kiddo and stick to him like glue!

2018.09.06 Day #6 - I can't say no!

I have a problem with saying no.

Most people might have a similar problem - and usually, they're thinking about saying no to the PTA President, the RS President, or some other external source of "stuff needing to be done."

My problem is in saying no to myself... I pretty consistently think I can do more than I really can.

For example:

Can I get that afghan made in 6 months? Sure!

Can I renovate my laundry room in 6 weeks? Sure!

Can I refinish a dining room table? Sure!

Can I fix my squeaky Maytag dryer all by myself? Sure!

Can I exercise 5 days a week? Sure!

Can I make healthy meals 24/7? Sure!

Can I bottle all the peaches, pears, and tomatoes in a 3 day period? Sure!

Can I go on a hike every week during the summer? Sure!

Can I take a part-time job teaching for BYU-I online? Sure!

Can I learn Java? Sure!

Can I sign my kids up for fun stuff and get them there on time with a smile on their face? Sure!

Can I run on 6 hours of sleep a night for the last 6 months? Absolutely!

There's more... but I'll stop there...

I should probably learn to say no to myself or stop whining about it.

2018.09.05 Day #5 - Critics

Isn't it funny that no matter how many nice things people have to say about you, it's the criticism that sticks? I've heard that you should try to say 4-5 good things or strengths about someone to every 1 criticism. Today I read through some teacher evaluations from BYU-I where I work as an online instructor. Usually, I've had pretty good reviews, and maybe one more negative one (out of 40+ students, I'd call that good!). Last semester just seemed weird to me. I had several students just stop working the last few weeks of the semester... I don't know what was going on with most of them. But just overall I had this bimodal thing going on all semester... I had a bunch of A students and then this bump of C students... it was weird. So I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised that the evaluations were going to be less than glowing this go around even though I don't think I did anything very much different. The problem with negative criticism at the end of a course evaluation is that I have no time to fix anything - it's over! I can't make something less confusing for that student because they're gone now! I can do some generic stuff to improve, I guess... but they don't give very helpful suggestions even... just things like, "I hated this class!"

But then I forget that the vast majority of my students really like my style and my class. It's really hard to remember that I can't please everyone, and not to take it too personally.

I'd like to think that I'm the type of person who can take some critique and learn from it, and not make all sorts of justifications. But in the end, I can only do what I know how to do, and what I've heard good things about.

This whole idea also makes me think about my interactions with my kids (and my students). Do I try to make sure that I give a lot of positive feedback before I insert a negative? Does that negative comment come from a place of trying to love/help, or is it just the first thing that pops into my head to say?

Question to the void... How do you keep critiques from making you feel horrible? How do you know which things really do need to be addressed, and which they just need to deal with because it's hard, but good for them in the end?!

Ok done...

2018.09.02 Day #4 - Best Photos of the Week

"If you've never been frog kissin', then you don't know what you've been missin'!"

Another awesome thing my niece, Mikayla, does, is throw out some great pictures with "one-word" captions... I'm pretty sure I will not be able to do one-word captions... but I can certainly shoot for "one-phrase!"

She's been having a rough week with recess at school for some reason... so we did a Mommy/Daughter date to the pool... clearly her choice, not mine!

The beet that ate the shirt that matches Calvin's shorts... No, no... I never did have a shirt that matched those shorts.

Calvin has an uncanny ability to help with canning.

Jane's new favorite way to stroll.

"Is this corn hand-shucked?"

"Glasses... I cool!"

2018.09.01 Day #3 - Growing Pains

I realize that there are a bunch of flaws in this plan, but why oh why can't babies just come with all their teeth? In utero they don't have stuffy noses that turn quickly into croup... And they can't cry, "Mouth! Owie!" Or "Owie teeth!" (Yes she's that specific in her vocab!) Jane seems to be particularly sensitive to teething pain and I swear it lasts for at least a few weeks for each tooth (they rarely come in pairs at the same time). So tonight's journal entry comes from Jane's bedroom where I'm rocking her more upright so that she can drain that poor nose of hers.

Lindy and Calvin have different growing pains... They are learning about how things change as you get older. More is expected... More is required... But they haven't quite connected those expectations to the greater privileges that go along with them. Lindy spent the day "working" at Grandma Reesa's today, "helping" after Papa Phil's recent back surgery. Mostly it was to give us a little break from each other (these first weeks back at school have been rough!). And also to show her that family members have chores and work to do to keep a house functioning - she's not the only one in the world being asked to make her bed in the morning - and I'm not the only person who requires these things of her kids!

Calvin is learning that different families have different rules and that can be tricky to figure out sometimes! He's also slowly learning that we can't go back in time to fix everything just the way he wanted it... We can try do overs, redos, and begin again, but I haven't figured out how to actually go back in time despite all his melting down. Life is hard, Bud!

Brett and I are trying to learn some new skills which has some amount of growing pain as well. I'm trying my hand at renovating our laundry room (building shelves, a counter, some cabinets)... It takes me forever to do simple things like draw a level line around the room! We're also trying to learn how to program in Java... We're going to make some pretty awesome stuff someday! Add to that our canning, yard stuff, regular work, kids, and so forth and we're learning a similar lesson to Calvin... Not only can we not go back in time, we can't add more time to the day...

Well, cross your fingers that I can lay Jane down now and that she'll actually sleep longer than an hour at a time tonight!

2018.08.31 - Day#2 - Vision

Vision...

During Stake Conference recently, the visiting general authority asked us what our "vision" was for ministering. To me, it looks like friendship. It looks like taking the time to get to know someone well enough that you get a sense for what they like, what they do, what they need, etc. The Stake President applied D&C 4 (the "missionary" section) to ministering - we need to thrust in our sickles, use all our heart, mind, and might in this work. I really liked that comparison.

The Stake President's wife also spoke briefly about her "vision" of ministering, and really focused on that word in particular. What is a vision? To her, it is to try to see from the beginning to the end. To appreciate the goal! This reminds me of having an eye single to the glory of God - having His "vision."

I've thought about this concept beyond ministering. What is my vision for my family? Businesses frequently have "vision statements." What would ours be? I've talked to some of my high-school-aged nieces and nephews a bit about their "five-year-plans." But hearing about their plans for college and work really made me think about my 5-year plan... I don't really have "career" goals within these next 5 years. Of course, there are Brett's career goals, but I can't do much about those. So my vision focuses on my family. If I could see inside my home 5 years in the future, what would I see if things continue as they are now? Is that what I want? What is it that I do want? What can I change/do now to get to that "vision."

Without too much embarrassing detail, I know that where we are now is not where I want to be in 5 years.

Don't get me wrong! My marriage is great! Could we use some more time/money for dates? SURE!

My relationship with my kids... um... yeah... not as great. I frequently compare myself to all the "super moms" that I en"vision" doing everything right in every situation. Their kids never talk back, are eager to please, and always want to stop what they're doing and cheerfully do a chore. Those kids give their moms time to exercise and meal plan (which is why they feel comfortable wearing yoga pants and tank tops everywhere they go). And speaking of meal plans, those kids must like to eat healthy food and never turn their noses up at something. They never scream for more screentime or complain about not knowing when someone is going to invite them over to their house, or hate everything about everything (for 30 minutes, and then be just fine for another 30 minutes before exploding about something different). The vision I have for their lives is so different from the one I feel like I'm living.

So what's my vision...

Everyone wants to be home. I still love going home - I still like being the kid at my parent's house. I want my kids to want to come home. I want them to want to play with each other more than with anyone else. I want them to treasure time playing, talking, singing, laughing. I want them to tell me when something is bothering them. I want them to sit at the bottom of my bed and tell me something amazing from their day. I want them to tell me about some insight they had in the scriptures. I want them to teach me some cool new thing that I never learned when I was in school. I want them to want to help each other - to be each other's best friends. I want them to love hanging out in the backyard, swinging, giggling, maybe playing with a dog (shhhh... don't tell Brett I have a dog in my vision... a sweet-tempered border collie of course).

Some days I catch a glimpse of my vision, but right now it seems very blurry and unattainable. One of my hopes for this blog is that I'll document more of the positive, progressive steps that I sure hope are happening but have a hard time seeing at the moment.

          

2018.08.30 Day #1 - Poetry

My niece, Mikayla recently challenged herself to write something every day. Unlike her, I don't particularly enjoy writing, but I do think journalling is important. So I'm revamping my efforts on the blog! It may be short, but I'm going to try to follow suit. 

Another thing Mik excels at is writing poetry. I admit I don't know the rules. I don't know the format. I don't really know how to "do" it. But I've been thinking poetical thoughts lately for some reason, and I need a place to write it down. So here goes nothin'...

Canning

To every season - it is certainly true,

It seems there's always canning to do.

Winter - Jars are cleaned, stacked, and organized

Spring - You must prune, plant, and fertilize

Summer - Weed, water, don't forget to pesticize

Fall - Pick, sort, wash, peel, slice, then pressurize

I didn't realize canning was always on mom's "To Do."

I call her often when I need a clue,

Is this tradition something worth carrying through?

Will my children take pride in filled jars too?

Peaches for frozen fruit and jars, grating zucchini for muffins, and pickled banana peppers

About 13 cups of Blackberry Jelly